There are so many things that are running through my mind since the "bad news". It seriously feels a bad script to a movie. The main Character has dreamed her whole life of going on a real Adventure, traveling the world, seeing things no one else usually gets to see, speaking a foreign language, working in a fancy job, etc. Then by some miracle- things fall into place and the dream starts to become a reality. It's perfect and she's excited! And then.... Bam! She is diagnosed with breast cancer! WHAT??? Who thought that'd be a good twist in the story??? OK- I'm being a little dramatic and the weird fact is that I am not really worried about the cancer as much as I'm really bummed about what it means for our family's Adventure. I thought it would be helpful to get some thoughts down so I can get things in perspective.
1. What about Columbia?
I am so bummed about Colombia. Does this mean we are out of luck for our new Adventure? We haven't told International yet mainly because I'm afraid of what they'll say. We are gonna wait until next week after we meet with my "team of doctors". That way we'll know what to tell them. I can't tell you how bad I feel about having to tell the kids we aren't going. Brett says just to have faith that it will all work out how it's supposed to. We know that with God all things are possible so maybe there's still a chance??
2. How do you tell people?
Seriously-- will someone please tell me how I am supposed to tell people this? Like- "So you know how we were moving out of the country? Well now we're not and btw, I have breast cancer. I tear up anytime I think of talking to anybody about it. Brett has been so great and supportive and helps me keep all the thoughts in my head light. We do a lot of joking about it. We have decided to wait to tell ANYONE until after my appointments next week. We figured that we will enjoy Liberty's birthday, our Egg Hunt, our Easter holiday and then deal with all of this next week. Although everyone always asks about the move now. We just decided to keep talking like we're going and hope we do. But I am dreading about telling people next week. Can I just keep this to myself?
3. Is this for real??
I think that I'm a bit in shock and if it wasn't for the several phone calls I get everyday from a nurse or a doctor- I could probably pretend it wasn't. It feels a bit surreal. Seriously?? I'm only 34, have no family history of it, I've never smoked or drank in my whole LIFE and I am a pretty healthy person. How does this happen? Because I've never known anyone who's had it- this is all so new and scary. The things I associate with it is getting your boobs removed, getting sick, weak, doing chemo, having your hair fall out, possibly having a reccurence years later and sometimes people die. Holy Moly! Please don't let that be all of that!
4. Cleaning out my junk
Brett and I tease but it's been interesting that I have lately been able to let so many things go and de-junk so deeply. Not that we have any intention of this disease beating us- but I am glad that my family won't be burdened with all my junk if something did happen to me. Or if I do get weak or sick I will have so much less to keep track of and to clean. Yeah for me!
5. Information Overload
There is so much to learn. All the new terms and vocabulary words and treatments- saying that it's a bit overwhelming is the understatement of the year! I am meeting with a TEAM of doctors next week. I have 3 appointments set up so far. One with Dr. Amit Panwalker, the Medical Oncologist. Another with Dr. Michael Bouton, the Breast Surgeon. And then one with Dr. Ashley Jensen, the Radiation Oncologist. I think we have one more to set up. We are going to look at options for surgery and treatment. Let's just say that Tuesday is gonna be a very LONG day.
Well, that's all I can process right now. I'm gonna go pretend this isn't happening and enjoy my weekend!
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