Made it 5 years!

FIVE years is supposed to be kind of a big deal when it comes to being a Cancer Survivor. 

I feel a little bad that I'm not doing cartwheels or throwing a party. For me, it's just another day and really on most days- I totally forget that I even had cancer. After treatments and my all clear diagnosis- we moved to a new state where I'm not known as the 'Cancer Girl'. No one here went through it with me. My hair grew back and is super long. And to most people around me- I look totally "normal" (At least I think they think so. LOL) The only real lingering reminder is the two 6-inch scars across my chest which only I and Brett ever see. 

Being completely honest, I am not grateful that I had breast cancer. I'm not sure I'll ever understand why. In fact, if I think about it too much, I actually get pretty sad and angry about it. But life goes on... 

So on majority of my days, I am just grateful to be alive. Hopeful that it won't come back. And trying to enjoy my family as we continue to grow and learn together. 

I DO however like pictures and collages! So here's a little look back at my hair journey over the last 5 years.

I measured and it turns out that from the top of my head (cuz that's where my hair grew from) I grew about 32 inches of hair in 5 years. That's almost 3 feet! WOW! So crazy!

Almost all the curls at the ends of my hair is gone and it is SUPER heavy! I get headaches frequently because of how much hair I have to hold up. LOL But I've been waiting to hit the 5 year mark to cut it. To celebrate, I donated about 21 inches of my hair (actually 23 inches at the longest spot) to be made into a wig for another cancer patient. Thanks Julie for helping me out. 

Happy 5 year Cancerversary to me!

Last Look at my Hair Growth (4 years in the Making)

This will probably be the last installment of my Hair Growth Tracking. I plan to cut my hair soon & donate 10-14 inches. Crazy!!! It has lost most of it's curl which makes me sad! But it is super heavy so it doesn't surprise me. Sometimes I get a neck kink because of how heavy it gets especially if I put it in a side braid. LOL It's hard sometimes to even remember me as the "blonde chick".

Here's a one last time look back at how it grew from bald to long! ;)

2012 Bilateral Mastectomy Day

(about 3 months after I shaved it)

 2013 1 Year of Growth

 2014 2 years of Growth

 2015 3 years of Growth

2016 4 years of Growth

Oh, How my Hair has Grown!

It was 3 years ago today that I shaved off all my hair to avoid my long blonde hair falling out in chunks from chemo. Oh, how it's grown since then. Here I am today:

It also happens to be my 38th birthday! OH how time changes things! I am super grateful for hair and the amazingness that the body has the power to overcome things. Life is good!
A little walk down memory lane:
Before I shaved it:

Bald:

One year:

Two years:

3 Year Survivor

Another year has flown by!!! I can hardly believe that cancer was ever a daily part of our family's life. I live in a new place, in a new home with new people and new adventures. I forget that not everyone even knows that I'm a Cancer Survivor. But you know--- for me, that's ok. It no longer defines me to the outside world. I am just Shay--- the long haired brunette that works out, spends time with her family, is married to a gorgeous (tall, dark & handsome) man, loves to have people over, decorates for every holiday, plans the occasional party, checks up on friends as often as I can, doesn't craft as much as I'd like, watches too much Netflix, volunteers at the school, serves as the Primary President and loves life (most of the time)!

However- to my inside world- there are days! Days that certain un-explainable aches and pains make me worry a little. An occasional fleeting thought that "when" it comes back, what would I do and what will my family look like without me. A worse-than-ever memory that I contribute partly to "chemo-brain" which my doctors say doesn't exist. LOL A daily shower that is a reminder that part of me was stolen. Every now and then a moment of sadness for the adventure that I missed out on and was replaced with this sorry crappy alternative. Guilt for not acquiring amazing heartfelt empathy for all those with hardships. If anything- sometimes I feel cancer made me expect more of people. Instead of a motto of "Unwavering compassion", I got an invisible tattoo on my forehead that reads, "Suck it up!" For that I feel a little ashamed. Truth is... Cancer sucks! It attacks people for no reason and can't be stopped if it chooses to take you. It changes you even if you don't want it to. 

But there is a difference between change and control. 

Did cancer change my life?.... absolutely! ...for the rest of my days. 

Does Cancer control me? NO WAY! I get to choose every single day to "suck it up!" & live a normal, beautiful, amazing life! That's what I choose!

So... here's to many more adventures in the coming years!

Highlighted in the LiveStrong Newletter

My Trainer, Katelyn,  in the LiveStrong Program contacted me and asked if I would be willing to share part of my story in the Fargo YMCA LiveStrong Newsletter. I have always felt like I don't have much to share but I wrote a few things and sent them to her. Here's our highlight she wrote in the newsletter:

Grown in Two

My hair has grown tons in two years. I don't think about it as much as I used to but it's crazy how long it's getting. I definitely have had my moments of sadness in losing my hair but for the most part- it's been an Adventure.
I wanted to share some of my favorite hair styles over the last two years from the day my family shaved my hair (as a birthday present, btw) until now, 2 years later.

On my birthday in 2012 before I shaved my head
This is how I still think of myself

The Skunk stripe will always bring back memories of duck tape

I can't believe that I was this bald. It's crazy!!

My favorite wig

I love the swirl in the back as it grew back. Cool beans!

I never thought I could pull off the Pixie look but I did!

This doesn't even look like me
It came back so dark!

I had such a glow about me! LOL

Check out that comb-over

I always wanted naturally curly hair. Love it!
This was around the ONE year mark 

I can't even tell you how excited I was to actually have a pony-tail!
Wahoo!

Tucking hair behind my hairs

I love this shot!
But it still makes me do a double take-
Guess I really am a brunette!

Finally being able to pull it up in a clip

Such a cute heart shaped pony!

Here I am TWO YEARS later
What a cute kid I am!

2nd CANCERversary

Wow! Time flies when you're not fighting cancer! LOL
I seriously can't believe that it's been 2 years since my "Big C" phone call.
I have a hard time remembering it all anymore. I am very grateful for that, actually.
I am happy to report that I am living on

Even if I am occasionally whiney about the mundane- it's awesome to feel NORMAL!

Young & Healthy

I had a 3 month follow-up visit with Dr. Thomas today. (Technically my "7 month-post mastectomy" visit or my "23 month since diagnosis" visit)

I met the Nurse Navigator, Pam Sasser. She was super sweet and helpful. She sat in on the appointment today and even took notes for me. Where was she for my whole cancer ordeal? LOL

Dr. Thomas asked me how I was doing and tried desperately to find something he could do for me. Unfortunately for him- I am Young & Healthy. It was funny to see him try to come up with anything he could do for me. He said he could have my cholesterol checked if I'd like. LOL
* He did listen to my heart and offered an echo if I felt I needed one. (which it doesn't sound like I do- it's just that the info on cancer patients says that they usually check it after your treatment. And I had mentioned to him that Dr. Panwalker had never had it checked)
* We talked again about Tamoxifin which I still feel strongly about NOT taking. He said that he would keep bugging me about it but leave the decision to me.
* He also brought up Genetic Counseling which I also still feel is a waste of my money. Now that I've been diagnosed with cancer and I already have children- my kids will automatically get checked early. Getting genetic counseling (in my opinion) would only benefit the industry and pocketbooks of someone other than me. ;)
* He told me he doesn't see any reason to see me back for another 6 months. (unless I decide to take Tamoxifen- then he'll get me in right away!;)
* I did get a High-5 for being my young & healthy self.
* I asked about getting labwork done. He said if I'd like- they could do it next time. I would just have to fast beforehand. Basically- I'm not sure if I want labwork done but I'm not sure how else they would ever know if my cancer came back. It's not like I can find a lump in my breast and get it checked out. LOL We'll see what the next 6 months bring.

Dr. Thomas is really great and I appreciate him as my Oncologist. But I do admit- it's nice to not need him.

Nail Regrowth

It has been a VERY long time coming but I think I finally have my nails back!
From somewhere around 8th grade until I was diagnosed and started Chemo in May 2012- I have had long, beautiful nails. They were strong and healthy and a bit of a trademark of ME. When one would break and I'd have to cut it down- I felt awkward and handicap. I couldn't imagine how women could stand to not have them long.
As you can imagine- It was hard when my nails started splitting and cracking to the point where I would have to keep them really short (see Oct 2012 pic). It was just another one of those things that as a cancer survivor- you deal with.
After I finished my Treatments- Chemotherapy in June 2012 and Herceptin in March 2013, I waited for my nails to return to normal. BUT they didn't. It was frustrating! I asked my doctor and he said it would just take time. Unfortunately, that's usually the answer to everything in this journey.
However- they were right. It just took time. NINETEEN-19  months to be exact. But they are back and that makes me happy!

Cancer Survivor in Montana?

Do I have to be a cancer survivor in Montana?
Can we just pretend that it was someone named Shay in North Dakota that had it?
Probably not. Dang!

I figured I should be a good girl and at least show my face at the Cancer Center here in Helena.

Lots of people recommended Dr. Justin Thomas. He is an oncologist at St. Peter's Cancer Treatment Center. So I set up an appointment for this morning.

He was way nice. He read over my chart beforehand and then we chatted about how I've been doing. I've actually been doing great! It feels like it actually never happened but I guess I understand the importance of getting checked.

Then came the topic of Tamoxifen. Let's just say- It's not been my favorite topic. ;) Here's a few explanations- See Posts- Discussion with Panwalker and Herceptin # 8. By the time we were done- Brett was laughing at us. He said he could see that both of us felt strongly about the issue. And he also could see neither of us were about to budge on where we stood.

My biggest thing is that I did everything "right" to get rid of my cancer. I am now cancer-free and doing very well. I am NOT a drug-fan. It comes down to that -for me- there's not enough evidence that Tamoxifen will keep it away. And the possible (even if they claim they are very few that get them) side-effects are not worth the risk to me.

In his defense, he said that he has a similar patient. She did everything "right" and was doing well. She choose not to do Tamoxifen as well. Then several years later- it came back and the diagnosis is not good. He said she hasn't said it but he suspects that there is a tiny bit of regret that she didn't do the Tamoxifen when she had the chance. He said if I was his wife- he would want to do everything possible to keep me healthy and cancer-free for as long as possible. I appreciated his honesty.

We left it with-- He asked me to pray about it. And he would support me in my decision of whether to try it or not. He said we could just try it for a month and see how I react. Then maybe a month more. And another... until I had a reaction. (He was hinting to the fact he didn't think I'd have a problem and he'd get me to take it for the full 5 years. Oh! He is a sly one. LOL)
He said that if a reaction came up- we'd stop. OR- for the most part, any side-effect I would encounter- they would have another drug to deal with it. My anti-drug-self had to chuckle. I could start Tamoxifen, drug free and walk away in five years a full-fledged drug addict. Wahoo! Sounds fun, right?

The tricky thing is that there's no "RIGHT" answer to Cancer. [That sounds like a catchy slogan!] Dr. Thomas was absolutely right though. It has to be a matter of prayer and then just have faith it will turn out like God has planned.

Is this ParTay over?

It has been 18 months since I got the phone call labeling me as a Survivor.
And to tell you the truth- it seems like it was a phone call that was made to someone else.
The whole Cancer experience seems like perhaps it was a movie I remember watching and not something I actually went through.
Is that weird?
I feel like the only proof there is that I ever went through all of it- is this blog.
..O.K. and the little fact that I no longer have boobs. Guess there's that. LOL
Sometimes I feel like I'm doing this Cancer Survivor thing all wrong. There are survivors that attend support groups every month. There are survivors that worry every day that it might come back. There are survivors that never feel back to normal. There are survivors that continue to raise awareness. There are survivors that support other survivors. There are survivors that start foundations. There are survivors that are changing the world. Then... there's me. I just want to pretend it never happened. I don't want to spend my days consumed by any of it. I paid my boobs dues and a whole lot of my money and I just want to move on.
So I can't believe I would ever say this but-

Is this ParTay over? 

{Let's hope so}

Remember the Walk

I thought this was fun. I got this email from the Fargo YMCA this week. We participated in this event last year, And here's my little family [top picture on the flyer] on the advertising for this year's Walk. We're so cute!!! Too bad we weren't in Fargo to participate.

Join us for the Red River Valley Breast Cancer Walk 2013! Formally the Fargo-Moorhead Breast Cancer Walk and the American Cancer Society Making Strides Against Breast Cancer event, we have now united to strengthen our impact on the community and the movement!    Sunday, September 29 | Scheels Arena    Schedule of Events: 11:00 - Registration, Activities, Games and Bouncy Houses 12:30 - Fashion Show featuring beautiful survivors of cancer - Z-Bo "Unique Traveling Boutique" 1:00 - Opening Ceremonies and Walk begins 2:30 - Guest Speaker- Kathy Honey Murphy 3:00 - Closing, Walk and Event Ends  Registration: There is no charge to walk, however individuals and teams are encouraged to participate in fundraising efforts for the walk and support the two causes.   Rally your team - grab your friends and family and sign up a team today! When you register online you can set up a fundraising webpage, making it easy to spread the word and get donations.   (Registration and fundraising packets are also available at either YMCA location.) Funds Support: The Red River Valley Breast Cancer Walk is unique in the fact that the proceeds benefit both local and national wellness and research programs. LIVESTRONG at the YMCA - A free program that builds strength and self-confidence in cancer survivors.     More information American Cancer Society, Making Strides Against Breast Cancer  More Information For more information or to register, visit us online at rrvbreastcancerwalk.org.

A Head Full of Hair: Part Two

This was me and my nearly bald head- one year ago today....

And here I am today (O.K.- that's a lie but this week at least)...

I can't believe the difference this year has made. In some ways, my hair growth has taken FOREVER! But in some ways, I am amazed at how thick and curly and long it's getting. CRAZY! It's been really fun to document it's growth.
I did this a while ago (see it HERE) but thought I would update the remainder of my hair growth journey. It's like a Hair Style magazine personally made for me. I can look at any length and know exactly how I would look. Pretty neat!

The Back

The Sides

The Top

One Year Surgeon Checkup

It's been almost a year from the day I became an Amputee. ;) Today was my one year check-up with my Breast Surgeon, Dr. Bouton. It was like a five minute meeting. Seriously, what a pain these check-ups are!!! Dr. Bouton was his normal, friendly, Texan self. He asked how I was, took a look at my scars, and wrote me another prescription for some more foobs. That was about it.
It was however, the last time of doing anything "CANCERy" in Fargo. No more big, fluffy white SANDFORD robes for me! LOL

P.S. I had forgotten to take my camera with me. Not that there was anything to take a picture of! But I did snap a picture with my phone of my last white fluffy robe! But then I forgot about it. By the time I got around to writing this post, I had switched phones. No longer can I send myself the picture. LOL Oh well! You get a picture of the picture. Better than nothing, I say!