Herceptin #13: Be Grateful for your Lot!

My Cancer Adventure Day today was a day full of little reminders that I should be thankful for my lot in this icky Cancer world. Funny how God is always willing to speak to us if we are just willing to listen.

1. First, the RMCC asked me to fill out a North Dakota Cancer Coalition Patient-Survivorship Survey. It's to help them understand the challenges that cancer patient are experiencing. It had questions about the difficulty of setting appoitments, distance and travel costs, lodging costs, lack of insurance, out of pocket costs, lost wages, lack of personal support system, etc. Writing a 1, meant it was a minor challenge. Notice how many 1s I wrote! I have been a bit whiney lately about my stinky cancer adventure but obviously I have had it easy. It made me realize how very blessed I have been and how much more difficult it could have been. Funny how a survey could put life in perspective. LOL

2. Also while I was in the waiting room, I sat across from a cute little crying bald lady. She had to be younger than me and was by herself. I tried to give her privacy as she poured her heart out to one of the nurses. But couldn't help but overhear her list of trials she's been experiencing- throwing up, achy body, sadness, and being all alone. My heart went out to her. It didn't come to my mind until later but I wish I would have asked her if she knows about the Breast Friends Support group or if she wants to my on my GNO list. I can't imagine being deathly sick and doing it alone. In my Cancer Adventure, my symptoms have been minimal and I am very grateful for that!

Now onto Herceptin....

3. Another gentle reminder happened as I rolled my eyes. (I guess at that point I wasn't seeing the "I am blessed" trend) The eye roll was because when they took me back to the Infusion Center, there was no room in the Inn room for me. (or as one of the nurses called it... "The Hole" because it is the most crowded room at the center) I had already waited over 25 minutes to even get back there and then there still wasn't room for me. Grrrr! However, it turns out that one of the nurses was giving some extra care to one of the patients because the lady was all alone and having a hard day so they had me wait in the hall. I have been very lucky to have the support of friends and family through this whole ordeal. I can't complain about standing in the hall for a little bit. And besides I just went around and visited some of my favorite nurses while I waited for a chair. I love having a connection with these ladies. Love them!

4. Today, Linda was my Herceptin nurse. She was very impressed with my med list. "Normal" cancer patients usually have a humongously long list of medications on their chart. But mine (thanks Panwalker for taking all the unneeded ones off for me) is almost non-existent. I believe on my list, there is only a daily vitamin and Advil as needed. More proof that I am very fortunate in this Adventure of mine.

5. Nurse Linda heated me up good to prepare me for my IV. And I mean REALLY heated me up. (Which was great since it's freezin' here in Fargo and I am stuck here because of this cancer crap!) First, she had me turn on the heat on my chair. Then she covered me up with a heated blanket on my lap as well as one around my shoulders. She also put a heating pad under and over my hand and let me cook for a bit. Wowzers! But it must have been the magic because it worked. The IV went in on the first try! Yeah!
Although that is a miracle in and of itself, it also reminded me how lucky I am to have caught the cancer in the first place and early on to boot. God had been "warming us up" sort to speak for the little Adventure He was sending us on. I'm grateful for the prep in our financial, emotional and spiritual self's in order to kick Cancer's butt on the first try! We were very blessed!
6. This one was just funny! The man in the chair next to me (only separated by a sheet hanging from the ceiling) was watching some dumb Talk show. You know the kind- the one with the bouncers, the screaming wifes and the lie detectors. What better way to find out if that man is the Father than to get a DNA test on national television, right? Depressing! He had it up so loud that I'm sure that everyone in the Cancer Center could hear it. At first it was just irritating and annoying to listen to it but then I got to thinking how very blessed I am. In spite of my little bump in the road, I have a perfect life. That's the kind of things that should be on talk shows!
7. Heather, the Resident Artist came to visit me again.. She asked me if I'd like to do an art project. I love Artsy stuff! It was like I was in art class. I got a paint smock, gloves and supplies. We crafted, chatted, laughed and took pictures. All my favorite stuff. I've been a bit of a slacker on the artsy department since my diagnosis. It's like all that stuff I absolutely LOVE got put on the back burner. Today I made a little Shining star of HOPE. A little reminder that the stinky Cancer stuff is almost out of the way and I can get back to all the things I truly love! Thanks Heather!

Not bad for one morning of being willing to listen to God's voice, don't ya think? I have been so very blessed in my Breast Cancer Journey and I am grateful for my lot!

It's a Small World!

My Breast Cancer World just got a little smaller today. 

I was out crafting/quilting at my friend's like I always am on Thursdays. On my way home, I felt impressed to call an old friend of mine (she's not old, we've just known each other for a long time LOL). I haven't talked to her in probably over a year. I wasn't even sure if her phone number would work but I tried anyways. It shocked me when not only was it the right number but she actually answered!!! She asked if we were still in Fargo and then it hit me that she didn't have any clue of the events of my last year. Not the move, then the diagnosis, then the surgery, then the non-move. Crazy year! So I begin to sum it up for her in a very brief explanation. [I know... you don't think I know how to be brief] When I got to the diagnosis she stopped me and said, "Who has breast cancer?" When I repeated that it was ME, she informed me that SHE had a bilateral mastectomy 3 days ago. What???? Insane! She was diagnosed with breast cancer a month ago. Dangit! I think she's still in the "I don't believe you that everything is going to be ok" stage. But I am so glad that I followed the prompting to call and check on her. Wow! How small the world can become at times! Good Luck in your fight, lady! We'll be praying for you! Call me ANYtime you need someone to vent to. Whether it's about grenades sucking things from your sides,  stitches, stinky drugs or anything else your adventure brings your way! Luv ya!

Tiff and I in 2008

Continue in Patience

As I have been struggling this week, I came across this video. It almost makes me MAD! LOL I thought that because of raising four kids and fighting cancer I had learned patience. But not so!
Elder Uchtdorf testified that "God's promises are not always fulfilled as quickly or in the way we might hope. Patience means staying with something until the end. It means delaying immediate gratification for future blessings. The work of patience boils down to this- Keep the commandments, trust in God our Heavenly Father, serve Him with meekness and Christlike love, exercise faith and hope in the Savior and never give up!"

Also in General Conference this past weekend, I felt as if President Henry B. Eyring's talk was meant for me. I wrote down the things he said as if it it could be me speaking.

 "My personal ambitions might have clouded my view of reality and made it hard for me to receive revelation. He let me seek counsel and gain His permission to stay. He knew all the reasons that my service might still be of value. I am here to turn to my Heavenly Father frequently in prayer that He would have me do those things that I have not yet done. My desire to hear and do His will gave me a soul-stretching opportunity. We can't insist on our time-table when the Lord has His own. I thought I had spend enough time here and was in a hurry to move on. Sometimes our insistence on acting according to our timetable can obscure His will for us. We remove the pavilion when we feel and pray, "Thy Will be done and in Thine own time." His time should be enough for us since we know He wants only what is best. Submitting fully to heaven's will is essential to removing the spiritual pavilions that we sometimes put over our heads. But it does not guarantee immediate answers to our prayers. The Lord's delays often seem long, some last a lifetime. But they are always calculated to bless. Although His time is not always our time, we can be sure that the Lord keeps His promises."

What do these mean? I still don't have any answers but I do know that God knows what He's doing. I hope I have the faith to pray that He helps me know as well!

Burning in my Bosom

This seems to be my THEME for the week.

First, I actually have a burning feeling in my chest. Mostly when I lay down. I think it's all my cells trying to figure out what we just did to them and why all my breast tissue is gone. I'm not sure. But it's irritating. Sometimes at night it feels like someone is sitting on my "bosom" with a hot pad on their behind. Not a good kind of burning in bosom in the least. LOL It's not as bad when I am Ibuprofen-ed up and sitting but I'm hoping to get off all the pain meds this week. Pray that this kind of burning in my bosom is short-lived. ;)

Second, I got another Priesthood Blessing from Brett this week. He gave me one the same time he gave the kids their school blessings. I felt once again the peace and assurance and promise that God is part of this journey. I am so grateful to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am grateful for a Hubby who is worthy to hold the Priesthood. Who can call down the power of heaven in our behalf  through this "little bump" in our road. A "burning in my bosom" (an internal testimony of the Holy Spirit) is a phrase I have heard from the time I was a little girl in the Church. But this week, it seems significant for some reason. Perhaps because of my THEME for the week (I have always felt like God speaks to me in themes anyways LOL;), but perhaps more because I have felt God's love so strongly in my life as of late. I have felt that "burning in my bosom" as we have prayed, made decisions, endured pain, and searched for understanding. I felt so strongly His love and strength as I came across this Mormon Message. I'd like to share it with you! Thanks to a loving Heavenly Father for being mindful of me this week.

I love Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin's advice. I know it applies to everything and everyone but I can't help but feel that God choose to have this video made just for me and my Cancer journey.
1. Learn to Laugh- Extend your life and make the lives of all those around you more enjoyable.
2. Seek for the Eternal- You may feel singled out... but learning to endure... are precisely the kinds of experiences that stretch our understanding, build our character and increase our compassion for others.
3. Principle of Compensation- The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss! (I wonder what He will do since I lost both my boobs? LOL)
4. Trust the Lord- The Lord Jesus Christ wants us to be happy!
We can endure hardships and trials, and learn to say, "Come what may, and love it!" Do your best and leave the rest to Him!

Forcing myself to "take it easy" this week, I have spent many, many, many hours reading the Hunger Game books. I just finished the second one, Catching Fire. Get it... BURNING in my Bosom? Catching FIRE? See a theme there? LOL Just thought that was funny.


I'm always good for a theme! LOL

CANCER FREE!!!!

Dr. Bouton aka Dr. Boob Remover called during dinner tonight. He has the pathology reports back from my surgery. He said there was no further signs of cancer in my lymph nodes that they took. And in my breast tissue, there was only a tiny part that was still cancerous (after Chemo) and they got it all!!! They (meaning medical professionals) probably won't give me the Cancer Free ticket for a year or two. We still have a quite a road ahead of us on this Cancer Journey! But for me- CANCER FREE day is today! Let's hear a big WAHOO!!!! Wait... I didn't hear you... One more time for good measure. WAHOO!! Yeah, TEAM SHAY!

Thanks to everyone who offered up a word or two or three or (... you get it)

 of prayer for our family! You are amazing! 

And many, many, many grateful praise to a loving Father in Heaven 

for keeping me around for a while longer! 

XOXO to you all!

"I'm Gonna Love You Through It"

My Uncle Bud shared this with me while we were visiting in UT. 

It's about a Husband that helped his wife through her Breast Cancer Journey. 

It's beautiful! Thought I'd share it with you. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxIt70j_SPk

She dropped the phone and burst into tears
The doctor just confirmed her fears
Her husband held it in and held her tight
Cancer don't discriminate or care if you're just 38 34
With three four kids who need you in their lives
He said, "I know that you're afraid and I am, too
But you'll never be alone, I promise you"

When you're weak, I'll be strong
When you let go, I'll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I'll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can't take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I'm gonna love you through it.

She made it through the surgery fine
They said they caught it just in time
But they had to take more than they planned

Now it's forced smiles and baggy shirts
To hide what the cancer took from her
But she just wants to feel like a woman again
She said, "I don't think I can do this anymore"
He took her in his arms and said "That's what my love is for"

When you're weak, I'll be strong
When you let go, I'll hold on
When you need to cry, I swear that I'll be there to dry your eyes
When you feel lost and scared to death,
Like you can't take one more step
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I'm gonna love you through it.

And when this road gets too long
I'll be the rock you lean on
Just take my hand, together we can do it
I'm gonna love you through it
I'm gonna love you through it.

Along with that, I would like to thank my dear Hubby for his love, patience, wisdom and laughter through my own Cancer Journey. He has been a rock through all of it. Together- we have laughed, cried, about pee-d our pants, been frustrated, confused, comforted, lifted, strengthened, and truly blessed. I know we still have a long road to go but I wouldn't want to travel down it with anyone else.
Brett- You are an amazing man! The most amazing man I have ever known. I truly have been blessed beyond words to have the privileged to have you as my companion. You put up with a whole lot of crap and always point out the positive in every situation. I have no idea where I would be without you. You are "the man"! I hope you know that  even if you become a "fat, ugly slob" or end up "half the man you used to be", you'll still be loved by a flat chested, beautiful woman (even if you think we look like the new gay couple on our Sunday walks). LOL Love you always and forever! XOXO!

Freedom to Choose

With it being the 4th of July, I thought I would express my gratitude for my freedom to choose.
My freedom to choose....
* my own cancer treatment plan
* my attitude about trials
* which hair I will wear today.

I am one lucky girl!

My "little" bit of cancer!

I have a confession to make- I have been feeling a little bit guilty lately. I have been doing some reading of some Cancer Journey blogs, talked to people who have gone through cancer, seen some pretty horrific pictures on the Internet of Cancer strugglers Survivors and talked to others that have lost someone to cancer. Did you know that cancer can really suck???
The reason I am feeling guilty is because here in my own Cancer Adventure- life is really pretty good. So am I trying to figure out if that's because of my attitude OR because I only have "just a little bit of cancer". Maybe I have no idea what it's like to really have cancer. You can laugh (and let's knock on wood cuz I am very happy with my little bit of cancer and don't wish to have more than I do just to say I've been there- done that) but I do feel like a bit of a fraud saying I am dealing with cancer. Sure- there's a little lump in my right breast of abnormally dividing cells but it is really tiny and hasn't spread anywhere. Sure I am sporting a GI Jane hairdo- but that was my birthday present to myself and self inflicted I might add. Sure I am having Chemo treatments but that's just letting me reinact one of my favorite Vampire movies and nothing that I haven't been able to handle. Sure there are a couple days that I need a few extra naps and someone to bring me lunch and dinner and watch my kids but who can't use that once in a while? And for sure, my friends and I are having way too much fun with all our personal Cancer jokes and delving into the dark pink side! To tell you the truth- this Cancer thing has been a bit more like a ParTay than anything. See how guilt could become a problem?
I have been informed by my Life Coordinator however that saying I have just a little bit of cancer is like someone saying that they are a little bit pregnant. And apparentently "you can NOT be just a little bit pregnant"! LOL
For what it's worth though- I thank God everyday for my "little bit of cancer"!

Prayers, Fasting, Blessings, and Answers

PRAYER
I have totally stepped up my prayers these past couple weeks. (That's sad to have to admit) And it has helped tremendously. We also know we have felt the power of the prayers offered in our behalf. So...Thank you!
A couple thoughts keep coming to me as I pray. Mostly it is a couple of Scriptures that are constantly in my thoughts. I thought I'd share them.
First, from Matthew 11: 28-30 ¶Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.  Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
AND
paraphrasing Mosiah 24: 13- 16 (From Elder Bednar's talk)

“I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs. … “And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon them were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord” (Mosiah 24:14–15; emphasis added).

Aren't those such perfect TEAM SHAY mottos? I love answers to prayers!
FASTING
My little Fam decided to do a Family Fast this Sunday for our new Adventure and for some of our family members that are facing other challenges. (And from what I understand many others joined us. Thank you for that as well! We are really lucky to have you all) I wanted to share a few cute things about my sweet son. I mentioned before how I had discussed with the kids that you can fast anytime that you need a little extra help and how Justice said he was gonna fast this Sunday. Well it turns out that later that day, he was chatting with Brett and said that he is going to fast the next 3 Sundays just because we need a little extra help. How sweet is that? He is such a great kid! Luv ya Buddy! XOXO!
From our fast, we feel that we continue to receive the peace and hope of the Lord in our lives. Also an assurance that He is leading us. Perhaps only a baby step at a time- but we'll take it!
BLESSING
I mentioned before but I am so at peace to know that Brett is an honorable Priesthood Holder. But it's always worth repeating. ;) He gave me a blessing this morning. I know that if it had been God's Will he could have pronounced a blessing upon my head for me to be healed completely on the spot. But not sure that's God's plan for us. He did bless me with peace and comfort, health and strength and the wisdom to meet this challenge. So that's what we're gonna do!
ANSWERS
I was looking back at my notes from Sister Wrigley's Integrative Wellness Training that I attended back in March. (Was that really only last month? holy cow! It seems forever ago) One thing I love about keeping a journal (aka Blog) is that down the road, things you felt, learned or experienced (and wrote down- my little journal plug for the day! LOL) can take on new meaning as you feel, learn and experience new things. Does that make sense?
Can I just say that EVERYTHING from her Training was said directly to me for this time. Is that not little freaky? or AMAZING?
A few thoughts before I'm done blabbing for the day (you can read the Training yourself by clicking on the link for all the good info)...
1. God knew times would be tough but he made a plan for me that "that ye may bear it" (1 Cor 10:13).
2. God created amazing bodies and a Word of Wisdom to help take care of them. Good foods, physical activity and rest I think will be essential in this journey of mine.
3. Positive thinking, being creative and keeping the right perspective will only be beneficial in this fight!
4. It will be SO important to surround myself with loving people, simplify my life and not compare my "lotto ticket" to anyone else.
5- First and foremost- the One with ALL the answers is God! Not the doctors, not helpful stories, not alternative medicines, and especially not me! He is gonna have to be in the drivers seat here! Next, there is a reason this is happening at this time and to me! Just gotta figure that out! And finally, FAITH- Above all I have to trust that God knows what He's doing and He is in charge! And pray "more earnestly" for His guidance.

OK...
Is that not amazing? Do you believe me now that she gave that Training for me?? Holy cow! And to think I was a little less than optimistic about having her back again. I really need to learn to keep my mouth shut!! LOL Thank you Heavenly Father and to our sweet Relief Society leaders for following the Spirit on that one. It was perfect!

Why???

You may be wondering why this post is titled "Why???" Well... let me tell you.
That was my original thought as I started digesting this new Adventure. Funny thing is that then God took over. I can honestly tell you it's hard for me to think of any Why questions to ask. Is that crazy?? I was telling KBro the other day- "Really, if there was ever a time for me to get Breast Cancer- this would be it!" Seriously! (For the record- she thinks I may need a psych eval as well as an MRI!)
1- I have the knowledge of the Restored Gospel here on the earth with it's Priesthood Power. And I know that I am sealed to my family forever! How comforting is that?? [Not that they are getting rid of me yet! I'm not making it that easy on them!] AND I know I have a loving Heavenly Father who has a plan designed just for me!
2- I have an amazingly supportive hubby. Dude! He is the best comic relief you could ever ask for. They say that a sense of humor helps a lot in beating cancer. Well if that's the case, we may just find the cure! LOL He is also a great multi-tasker because he knows when it's time to just give me a hug or a shoulder to cry on if I need it! Love you Honey! XOXO! AND as if he wasn't doing enough already- Brett is a worthy Priesthood Holder who can call down the power of Heaven to help us. How lucky am I?
3- My kids are so great! Most of them are old enough to talk to about it and they all are very cute about it! (Even little Glory is always asking me if my boob is feeling better today? So cute!) And it helps that all of them are pretty self-sufficient. Can u imagine if I had a tiny baby or crazy teenagers? Perfect timing! BEST. KIDS. EVER!
4- Here in Fargo, I have the strongest supportive system anyone could ever ask for. (I am not exaggerating that in any way. Did you know I already have a "Life Coordinator" set up? Thanks for taking on that self-designated position, KBro. Luv ya!) Can you imagine if we had already left Fargo when this happened?? (Let's just not imagine that)
5- I live less than 15 minutes away from the Roger Maris Cancer Center and the Sanford Breast Clinic. Easy peasy! I have heard people travel up to 2 1/2 hours everyday ONE way just to get treatment! I HATE car rides & traffic!
6-  As we have been preparing to move, we have been clearing out cupboards, emptying our freezer and using up any food that we can't take with us. As we look back at that & have had so many offers to bring in freezer meals, we laugh. Who knew God had a different plan for my empty freezer? Glad we could help out with His plan.
7- We have been following the Prophet's counsel to get out of debt and have accumulated a really great savings. I am so proud of us. We just reached our goal. Yeah for us! (Feel free to pat us on the back  LOL) I'm a little peeved though but I guess this is the "rainy day" we've been saving for. Although THIS is not at all what I had planned for my savings! Who's in charge of this plan anyways? LOL
Anywho-- SEE?? If there was ever a time to get Cancer- this is it!!!!

I also have many people I'd like to publicly thank for this opportunity. LOL! Just a word of advise though- Could you all be a little more careful what you pray for from now on? Thanks! I'd sure appreciate that! Not sure that I can want to be the answer to so many prayers! LOL

First, I'd like to thank Jen M. My dear nurse friend has been wishing to become an Oncology Nurse for a very long time. She just hasn't quite been able to get into that department. Well, see? That's just what kind of friend I am. I told her I'm the answer to her prayers. She's totally welcome to quit her surgery job and be my Oncology Nurse, I love her that much! Oh... did I mention I don't pay well?? LOL Anyways, glad I could help out Jen! Thanks a lot!
Next to Katie. Oh girlfriend! I know you've been praying that you need me HERE in Fargo but really? Breast Cancer? That's a little overboard, my dear! But nonetheless, I'm here a little LOT longer. Glad I could help you out with that! Hope you're happy, Woman! LOL JK Luv ya!
Also, Larsens were getting pretty bummed that they were gonna be the only Mormons at Westside with boundary changes and us leaving. I know they have magical praying powers so I should have figured something would happen. Well, check that off your list of things to worry about. We're here for ya!
Of course this list wouldn't be complete without thanking my dear Hubby. Ever since we finished nursing our last baby, he has been more than supportive to let me know- it'd be ok if I wanted to do something to get back my pre-baby chest. Little did he know that a free boob job was included in Breast cancer. Thanks for that, Love! LOL
Then there's Jen N. I know she is perfectly happy being known as the "Hat Lady" at Church. But I realize that it's also important to her that she feels like she belongs to a group. Even if it's a group of two. LOL! So lady- do you wanna start a club or something???
Another little shout out to Robbie. OK- I know that it's hard for you to accept the fact that my favorite color is RED. I realize that pink is your favorite color but really? Couldn't you have found another way to persuade me to the "Pink Side"??? LOL
Finally, I'd like to thank myself! Can't tell you how long I have been praying to "be something". You know- do something amazing, travel awesome places, meet exotic people, be brave, touch lives, change the world, have an ADVENTURE! OK- I know it's sounds a little outrageous but we all have dreams, right? Yeah, well- be careful what you wish for. There may be an Adventure out there you never imagined! LOL
So WHY? is this happening?
That's a good question, my friend! Good question but not one that needs an answer. (Yet anyways! LOL)