Feeling Unspectacular and Unanswered Prayers

It's been a rough couple of weeks for me emotionally. I'm sure it's partly a Winter Blues issue but it's also an "angry at cancer" thing. I should start out by saying that I will probably be struck by lightning for my bad attitude since I have been blessed more than my fair share through this past year. But regardless of my fear of being fried to a crisp by 300 kilovolts---these past few weeks I have had a hard time not focusing on all the things cancer has robbed me of and the frustration of unanswered prayers.

As most of you know, my family had big plans to have a once-in-a-lifetime experience. Long story short... Cancer robbed us of that! Many have said that perhaps giving us that opportunity was the only way that we would have found the Cancer in time. But I can't agree. There was lots of other things that could have happened to help us "discover" the cancer. I wish I could say that I understand why they would say that but we had prayed so long & so hard and had turned the issue completely over to God and everything was starting to fall into place when we were diagnosed. I know without any doubt that God had told us to go. Even after the diagnosis, we prayed with open hearts (although heavy at the time) that if this was all for finding out about the cancer that we would give it up. But time and time again more things fell into place. Then after EIGHT long months of continuing down the path we felt we were directed to go-- CANCER made our Dream and Big Adventure over. Why?? What happened to all the answers to prayers we felt we had received and how do I get past that???

I am NOT doing a very good job, I'll tell you that. I have tried to make CANCER my new Adventure. After my diagnosis, I worked hard on making it a positive experience for our family and having some fun along the way. It worked for a while. But after finding out we were staying stateside, I really don't see the point. My point was to beat the cancer and then go on an amazing Adventure. But NO!!!!!!!! Instead, I may never even get out of Fargo! {Where it  feels like Winter 11 months of the year!!!} Grrrr! While we were fighting our way through chemo and surgery, we passed up opportunities to go other places because we were sure that Bogota was where God wanted us. And now we don't have any clue where we should go or where God even wants us. None of our prayers seem answered as of late. I actually torture myself by having the temperature for these other places on my iPod. I check it every morning. [I know it's pathetic but that's how I roll these days] So like this morning at 7:30 am when it read- SLC: 39 degrees, Helena: 43 degrees, Bogota: 54 degrees, Fargo: -6 freezin' degrees- I almost wanted to swear. You gotta be kidding me!!! "WHY do I live here????" has become a question I ask myself a zillion times a day lately! What is the purpose of me being stuck in this frozen place?

In the past couple weeks, I also started reading a few Cancer blogs- perhaps for a little sympathy or to get some perspective. That has backfired! One blog was such a fun-loving positive blog. I felt like I connected to her words and her spirit but then she died suddenly! A complication from the drugs or something. Man! Cancer sucks! Another lady has made her cancer diagnosis into a business. She started a foundation and travels all over the world promoting awareness and making a zillion friends. So... I pretty much hate her! LOL A few have posts about how family and friends rallied and threw big, huge fund raisers in their behalf to help them offset their medical bills. Did I need that? No. Brett and I worked really hard for the last several years to save for a rainy day. We were prepared!  Does that change the fact that it hurts my feelings a little that no one did that for me. You bet. Cancer sucks! Most of the cancer blogs that I read have tons of followers. At the conclusion of each post, a handful of friends leave comments and words of encouragement. Me? I'm not sure that anyone reads mine at all. Guess that's my unspectacular cancer life. Oh well! Two other blogs I read are of women who are on their SECOND time through cancer. Both did drastic measures to "take care" of it the first time but years later, it's back and it's fatal. What the.....ll?? Cancer SUCKS!!!!!

So what is the purpose of all this dramatic and pathetic whining?? I don't really know. But that would be a really sucky way to end a post.
So... the other day on a most unspectacular day of mine, my little family was doing some scripture study when we came across this quote. I have a bit of a love/hate relationship with it but I am trying to make it speak to my heart. Perhaps by typing it here it will sink in a little.

"Not everyone is going to be .... fill in the blank with some important responsibility. Not all are going to be like ...fill in the blank with some more-than-amazing leader... catching the acclaim all day every day. No, most will be quiet, relatively unknown folks who come and go and do their work without fanfare. To those of you who may find that lonely or frightening or just unspectacular, I say you are "no less serviceable" than the most spectacular of your associates. You, too, are part of God's army."- Howard W Hunter

So is that my answer???? Who cares if Cancer sucks, Shay? Who cares if you use all your savings to pay off your medical bills? Who cares if you want to leave this crappy, freezing place??? Who cares if you are boobless and have a really ugly hairdo? Who cares if you feel like your life is NOT the Adventure you want it to be? Just be serviceable, woman!!!!! Is that my answer?? ..... Perhaps.

P.S. As I was being my whiney, pathetic, unspectacular self these last couple weeks, I did receive this email from an old friend. Funny how people can do/send things when they have no idea how much it will mean to someone. Thanks, Heather! You'll never know how much I needed it! XOXO

I was checking out your blog today.  (It has been awhile since I was on.) I am truly amazed by your out look and attitude.  You have always been an inspiration to me and I miss talking and sharing with you.  I have thought and prayed a lot for you and your family.  I am truly blessed for this experience.  I know it can't be easy and life is difficult on its own, then to add such an illness makes it more difficult. I hope you know of my love for you and that I miss you terribly.  Thank you for sharing your journey, I love hearing about it.  You have a great sense of humor and it is always entertaining to read.
Keep your chin up and know that you are loved,  Heather Parry